Tinker Tailor, Soldier, crap.

Yesterday we went to see Tinker Tailor.

It was the Bourne Identity without any action, suspense, drama, plot or scenery. T

o say it was glacially slow would show glaciers in a bad light. A glacier would speed past this movie and wave as it went by. It is as obscure as "Lost in Translation" and as filled with action as a Bambi cartoon is filled with pornography.

To say the plot had twists and turns would be hard as there was no discernable plot. There was a nice view of Istanbul for a few seconds. The rest was dingy squalid offices, At one point one fellow was sitting on a couch and he said something innocuous and another fellow inexplicably launched into him and smacked his head around.

The other people in the room barely raised an eybrow at this outburst and the two protagonists continued for the rest of the movie as if nothing had happened. I think the assaulted fellow was as confused as I was, but he at least didn't have to sit through two hours of the crap.

The film opened with an action sequence. Which, since it was one of the few times in the movie something actually happened, the director milked it by repeating chunks of it inexplicably through the movie. The movie also had a strange effect on the nature of time. It didn't matter how many times I looked at my watch, the movie still had an hour to go.

If you insist on seeing this piece of stinking slime, you should go prepared. Take a person with you, one of you is likely to be sicker than the other and you can help each other to the nearest bar to get plastered in the hope that the alcohol will knock off enough brain cells so that you forget seeing most of the movie. A word of caution here, be sure to retain some memory of the movie no matter how awful this must be, as a safety measure. Without this memory you might go and see the movie again and no one has ever survived that experience sane. Keep your mobile phone on in case something more important turns up - what could be more important? Well a call from an Indian call centre to evaluate your phone plan would count, as would any survey by anyone, particularly useful would be a political survey. So that you can help distract those around you from the movie you should repeat each question loudly and get the consensus of the audience before you answer. Ear plugs are to drown out the awful dialogue and sunglasses should help reduce the likelihood of accidental viewing. You will need a vomit bag - be sure to keep this handy in case your eyes stray to the screen. I wouldn't eat first as those vomit bags can only hold so much. In fact you would be much safer and happier staying at home sticking needles into your eyes and then doing some amateur surgery with a chainsaw.