Acceptance

This month it is thirty years since my first headache. I have finally accepted defeat. My headaches have beaten me. I have been collecting frequent flyer points to use on a round the world trip, visiting some of my favourite places (Chicago, New Orleans, Vancouver, Rome, Lucerne, Egypt, Normandy, Scotland, Bangkok ) and a few new ones; St Petersburg, Oslo, Copenhagen, Iceland, Stalingrad, Berlin, Angkor Wat, Oshkosh, Alaska) and puffins. I want to see wild puffins. Now I know, I will never be able to spend more than a few days overseas at a time. If I ever get my observatory built I will cash all my points in for a business class trip to San Francisco. I'll visit my friends Allen and Julia, buy some new telescope gear and come home again. Never to travel overseas again. That might not seem much of a sacrifice to some, but in the Australian culture, travel is an integral part. It will be missed.

I have probably spent over $100k on MRIs EEGs scans x-rays and seen well over 100 doctors everywhere from Spain to New Orleans. I have tried every drug and treatment suggested. NOTHING works. Please, I am very happy to know that others were cured by putting an icecube on their ear lobes, or taking this drug or that neck adjustment. But it won't work for me. How do I know? In thirty years I have either thought of it myself (eg botox), or tried it - I am not going to list the drugs here, there are too many to count. "And what about giving stuff up?" I have tried eliminating alcohol, caffeine, chocolate, and processed foods; nothing works. It is not that I don't appreciate suggestions, I do. But I have tried it already. Honestly. I tried some counselling once. I said clearly in the beginning of the session, "Please don't suggest a cure. I just want help in dealing with it" Within 20 min, she was telling me what cured her aunt. I walked out.

Giving up and accepting medical reality is a sign of failure in our culture, how many inspiring stories of people fighting against great medical challenges do we read? But as I heard one fellow say, "My spinal cord is completely severed. All the willpower in the world won't mend it. Nothing known can.

Accepting it and moving on, is all I can and will do." I accept it. I will now try to move on.